


to grow with you

by angstonly



Series: redditverse stories [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Family Issues, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Minor Character Death, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-27
Updated: 2019-11-27
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:42:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21570100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angstonly/pseuds/angstonly
Summary: jaemin needs help. when the world comes crashing down following the death of his brother, he realizes that it's time to talk to someone who isn't his best friends or the love of his life.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin
Series: redditverse stories [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1554658
Comments: 12
Kudos: 108





	to grow with you

**Author's Note:**

> hi all! this is a side-story that's a part of [this](https://twitter.com/princejaehyvn/status/1194302700495736833) renmin twitter au that i wrote. it takes place around #187, and expands on the date from #212.
> 
> unbeta'd!!

* * *

he isn't usually this jittery. though he supposes he isn't exactly the way he's usually been lately. 24 hours in a day and he's awake for 20 of them. and not by choice. tired eyes stare blankly at the woman seated across from him, who's looking back at him with gentle gazes and an encouraging smile. she tells him early on that silence is okay; jaemin doesn't have to force himself to speak when he's not ready. but she's proud of him, she says. scheduling the appointment is a feat in itself, even more so actually showing up. jaemin opts not to tell her how he stood outside the building for half an hour, debating whether to actually walk in or not.

"so, jaemin, what's brought you in?"

a loaded question, he muses. there isn't one specific thing to focus on, his thoughts persistently a tangled web of self-destruction that begs for attention almost every night. silence. and then he parts his lips and with a meek voice says, "i'm not okay."

there is kindness in the woman's eyes and he wonders if his mother ever looked at him that way. if she ever did, he never remembered. perhaps it was long before his memories would take him. all she remembers of the woman, who always stood timid and docile in his memories, is the sad and tired eyes, the emptiness, the ghost of a lady who looked like she once knew what joy was. jaemin doesn't like thinking about her. and he says all of this out loud.

it's strange, he thinks. for years, he's sidestepped the topic of _family_ at the expense of his own sanity. years of carefully crafted equivocal responses have given way to an expertly honed skill in subtle change of subjects, with jaemin now a virtuoso at conversational prevarication. yet under the unyielding regard of the woman in front of him, a _stranger_ he adds, he begins to unravel.

there is no logical flow to the anecdotes that come spilling out, his voice reverberating around the small dim room with childhood grievances in nonlinear directions. he speaks, loops back, gets sidetracked, returns— the disarray of his thoughts now out in the open and written on the woman's pad. at the end of the session, he's finished the box of tissues he doesn't remember falling on his lap.

jaemin walks out with a fire in his eyes, a flicker of determination and desire. as he pulls his phone out and smiles at the photo of renjun from his early days, he makes the decision to come back next week.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* — *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

jaemin says he has a high threshold for pain when dr. lee asks about the scars. he says that the beatings were so frequent that he's built up a tolerance. and beyond that, he read somewhere online as a teenager that exercise helps build tolerance, so he started working out. it's also when he started doing sports, around middle school. after a while, the cuts and bruises didn't hurt anymore. not physically, anyway.

"the shit inside is a different story," he sighs, back leaning against the corner of the wide couch, feet propped up, knees hugged close to his chest. he always feels small when he talks about his childhood. it's a peculiar concoction of emotions he can't quite pinpoint just yet. "i don't know, really. i think i have a good grip of my emotions— better than most, i'd say. but it's limited, i suppose. to the good stuff. if you asked me to talk about my love for renjun, an hour wouldn't be enough. if you asked me to talk about my soulmates, i could spend hours telling you about everything i love about them. but everything else? the sad shit, the loneliness, the _emptiness_... it's— i'm struggling."

"you're doing better than you did when you first came," she notes out loud. jaemin smiles appreciatively. "you're doing great, jaemin."

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* — *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

jaemin doesn't break down like he expects to. he isn't holding back tears or struggling to breathe. instead, he's just lifeless. he plays with a loose thread at the hem of his shirt as he casts his gaze anywhere but at dr. lee, chewing on his bottom lip until the skin breaks and he's tasting iron. "it's my fault."

"tell me about that."

"i left him alone." jaemin's eyebrows knit together as he focuses on a piece of lint that settles on his jeans. "i had mark and jeno. i had renjun. i had the track team, the student paper, the yearbook committee; i always had someone. i alw— i was never alone, but he was. i left him alone, i _left_ him. i hated that house so much i couldn't stand to be there but he was always just there. he wasn't as outgoing as i was, you know? maybe if i included him more, if i stayed with him more. maybe if i didn't go out as much, i don't— i don't know."

"but humor me for a second, jaemin. what would have changed? if you stayed home more, what would have been different? if you brought him along with you when you went out with your friends, what would have been different? would it be different?"

jaemin pauses, feeling his heart in his throat as he struggles to find his voice. he's thought about all of this before, over and over and over until he's sick of his own voice in his head. he drowns himself in what ifs and maybes until he's suffocating in his own sea of destruction and all that's left in its wake is a mess of a boy too scared of his own mind. the tangled web begins to unfurl as he finds the strength to look up at the woman, her expression neutral yet warm at the same time. "n-no," he whispers at first. and then more firmly, he continues, "no. probably not. it doesn't matter what i could have done; i didn't already. and now he's gone and i can't change that. i can't bring him back." his voice is exhausted, but clear. and there's a small light that shines in the darkness.

her lips curl into a small smile as she jots something down on her notepad. "and what _can_ you do instead? or what do you _want_ to do?"

"everything," there's no hesitation, no pause or restraint. "everything— _anything_ , if it means i can protect the people i love. if i can love them while they're still here and able to hear and feel and see."

and quietly, more for himself as a personal resolve, he says, "i can't lose anyone else. and i can't lose renjun again."

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* — *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

"you know, you talk about him a lot."

jaemin is in the middle of drinking his iced coffee and finds himself smiling against the straw. he's just finished relaying an tale from his teenage years, of a day he decided to skip school to tend to his wounds. fresh and too noticeable, he opted to stay within the closed walls of his bedroom. mark and jeno were busy with after school activities and renjun wasn't replying to any of his messages (which wasn't exactly _new_ at that point— renjun wasn't very fond of him in the beginning). but later that day, as he woke up from a nap, a single message lit his phone— _i'm outside with your homework_. and they spend the day together, jaemin flirty and annoying, while renjun struggles not to punch him in the face. (renjun got jaemin's shoulder instead)

dr. lee adds, "your eyes light up when you mention his name."

jaemin holds her gaze, lips sheepishly curling upwards. he shouldn't be surprised, really, since observation is her trade. and also because jaemin makes no effort to hide the fondness he has for renjun, the longing he holds in his heart. renjun is a beacon of light that shines through dark days. sometimes it's blurry and flickering like a candle in the wind. sometimes it's a spotlight, blinding and bright and screaming _i'm here i'm here i'm here_. but it's still light, it's still always there. and jaemin wants to make sure it never goes out.

he tells her everything in the time they have left. from high school days of his persistent pursuit of renjun's attention, to the butterflies that overcome his stomach when renjun first says he loves him, to the fireworks that light and explode in his chest the first time he had renjun's lips on his. and then to darker days, when their time together became dimmer and dimmer and dimmer, to all the nights he spent crying and cursing and _hating_ himself for not being able to be the one to make renjun smile anymore, to all the regrets and ugly nights of wanting and wishing and hoping.

and then to now.

"wow." is all dr. lee can manage as his story ends. "i've listened to many love stories in the years i've been alive, and perhaps this is one of the greatest i've ever been told."

"i love him."

"yeah?"

"more than anyone and anything in the world."

"even more than yourself?"

there's a pause as jaemin thinks. in his head, he says _yes_. but he knows it shouldn't be this way. so he stays silent in response and it's all dr. lee needs for her to know.

"would you like to bring him to a session someday?"

jaemin smiles meekly and nods despite the fear that bubbles up from within his chest.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* — *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

when they leave the session, renjun's hand never leaves his and jaemin feels like everything is _right_ again. no other hand fits in his as perfectly as renjun's and if he could, he would never let it go. they stroll in silence in a nearby park, jaemin not wanting to interrupt renjun's thoughts as he processes the events of the day. it's a lot, jaemin knows. there's a lot that he kept carefully tucked away where no one else but himself and his demons can unlock and pick apart. so he allows renjun the silence.

and then renjun pulls jaemin into his arms and they stand in the middle of the park like idiots in love, heads buried on shoulders, chests pressed together almost impossibly close. they inhale each other's scent and bask in the present moment of just _being there_ , ignoring the invasive gazes of prying eyes and awkward glances of passersby. renjun doesn't care. jaemin doesn't care. the world exists only in the small space of jaemin and renjun, renjun and jaemin.

"thank you for telling me, nana."

jaemin can't contain the smile that spreads across his face, pulling away only just enough to be able to stare deeply into the deep browns of the only man he's ever loved, lost in the oases that twinkle back at him. _nana_. it's a four-letter word, short and sweet but holds insurmountable amounts of affection that only renjun has the right to say.

"i'm sorry it took me this long to tell you. i was just rea—"

"nana," renjun's voice speaks straight to jaemin's heart. and it's running and racing and rapping against his ribcage, ready to flee and jump into renjun's hands if he wants it. renjun cups jaemin's face with the gentlest touch, yet it still feels like electricity against bare skin. "it's okay, nana," he whispers, the pads of his thumbs wiping away tears jaemin doesn't even realize have fallen. "i know now. it's okay. we're okay. _you're_ okay."

"a big part of it is because you're here," jaemin says, placing a tender hand on top of renjun's, leaning into renjun's soft touch. jaemin doesn't realize how much he's missed just holding renjun, not until last night. not until they've slept in each other's arms again and jaemin feels like he's found what he's been searching for in the darkness. "i love you, renjun. i love you more than i've ever loved anything else in this world. i love you so much that it hurts to breathe when you're not with me. i'm so stupid in love with you that when you laugh, i hear songbirds and nightingales singing choruses of the songs we used to scream in my car. that when you say my name, it's like a spell calling for me to come back home by your side where i belong. i'm so stupid in love with you that i don't even care how embarrassing and dumb and cheesy all of this is because all i can think about is how to ask you to be mine again and tell you that no matter what happens, i'm yours and only yours and that there's—"

"nana. na jaemin," renjun interrupts him, voice soft yet stern, a melody that sends heat all over his body in yearning. there are tears now rolling down renjun's cheeks, ignored and forgotten, not wanting to release his hold on the other boy. "jaemin, i've always been yours. i never stopped being yours. that moment when i chose to let go, when i thought i had finally allowed myself a future without you, fate led me back to you. it was still you, nana. it still _is_ you. i love you too, you stupid cheesy idiot. stop rambling already."

they mirror the smiles— both loving and sweet and shy— that adorn their faces. jaemin rests his forehead against renjun's shoulder and relaxes in renjun's arms, feeling like he's finally found the missing piece of his heart, the piece he lost all those years ago and is now whispering sweet nothings in his ear. "junnie, my angel, i missed you so much. i'm never letting go again. i'm sorry."

renjun smiles, fingers carding through jaemin's hair. "i missed you too, nana. but if you apologize one more time, i will cut you."

they laugh, wiping away each other's tears.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* — *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

they're on the bus when they talk about home. or the concept of home, at least. they sit in the back row, arms looped with each other, renjun's head on jaemin's shoulder, jaemin's cheek resting against renjun's hair. they get on without a clear destination, just talking and talking and talking as they pass different streets. there are memories that spark when they pass a certain building. or when they pass a small playground they discovered the day jaemin convinced renjun to skip class for the first time in his life. renjun asks if he misses home, wherever it is he considers home.

and without hesitation he says, "home is where you are."

renjun cringes away and jaemin pulls him back just as soon, laughing at the reaction he knows so well. the smile on renjun's lips betray him, exposing the mirth that jaemin's words, however cheesy and corny and _stupid_ , fill his longing hopelessly-in-love-with-na-jaemin heart. jaemin has never quite felt home anywhere. there is no one location he can always return to, especially now that he is alone. but there is renjun. and jaemin has already made the decision not to leave him again in the first place.

"do you want to move in with me?"

the words escape from renjun's lips before he could even process what those words were. but no matter how impulsive it seems to be, no matter how sudden or abrupt, they're words that renjun feels in his heart. and they both already know the answer (their faces are transparent when it comes to the glee that the invitation elicits) but jaemin says yes anyway.

and renjun, ever so excited for planning and organization, begins to list steps and processes and everything in between to get them started. he pulls his phone out and types and searches and types again. and jaemin can't help but stare in awe and wonder at the boy who he regards as his universe. his thoughts run with possibilities, imagination vivid and active as he thinks of the new life he is to live with renjun.

"but we shouldn't do anything until after your graduation. may, right?"

jaemin is pulled out of his trance and stares at renjun, bemused. "what?"

"your graduation. you have to walk, idiot. i'll come, i promise. and i'll make stupid signs and make a poster out of your face. it'll be fun! i'll tell mark and jeno and hyuck."

"wait—"

"shh. now, neighborhoods."

renjun continues on his preliminary real estate search, not bothering to listen to jaemin's protests. jaemin smiles though, seeing the happiness radiating from renjun's entire body. if renjun wants him to walk at graduation, he will. anything for renjun, _everything_ to make him happy.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* — *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

they're not quite sure how they end up here, but it's quiet and serene and perfect. the river is serene, light from the sky reflecting off the water. jaemin thinks it's beautiful, but it's not as beautiful as renjun. the night sky is theirs, a crucial part of the story of renjun and jaemin, and that it makes sense that most of their days together end with them basking underneath the moonlight with the stars twinkling in their eyes. renjun's fingers take their rightful place in the spaces between jaemin's, resting on jaemin's lap as they both savor the quiet that this evening takes them.

"thanks for the impromptu date," renjun says, resting his head against jaemin's shoulder. "i'm happy."

jaemin releases his hold on renjun's hand to snake his arm around renjun's waist, pulling him closer. jaemin thinks that any space between them is a distance too much, especially when they have two years worth of distance to close and make up for. "was it impromptu, though?" jaemin challenges. "maybe i had it all planned out."

a small laugh slips past renjun's lips, looking at jaemin with a gaze nothing short of fond. "i wouldn't be surprised. you always were the romantic," he turns his attention to the water, watching it ebb and flow slowly before them. "if this _were_ planned, then i'd say you have one more thing up your sleeve. something to tie all of this together. and then i would called you a stupid perfectionist and you would grin that cheeky grin of yours and we'd kiss until we're breathless and it's time to go home. sound about right?"

"here i thought i could still surprise you," jaemin pouts. and renjun _almost_ kisses it away. (but he doesn't) "but i suppose you always _have_ known me better than i know myself."

"are you confirming that this date was deliberately planned, then?" renjun peels away, quirking a brow at jaemin. and jaemin just smiles. he regards renjun with as much love in his eyes as there are stars in the sky.

"i neither confirm nor deny."

they share quiet laughter, hands finding their way back to each other as renjun looks up at the sky once more. "so, hypothetically, what would be the final piece of the night?"

there's a pause. then movement. then quietly, jaemin says, "this."

his body suddenly doesn't feel like it's his. renjun freezes, his mind goes blank, all senses shutting off the moment he sees the small blue box in jaemin's hand. all he hears is buzzing, a constant static, kind of like white noise but loud. _so loud_. and then he returns to himself, eyes wide as can be, heart threatening to escape from his chest. "oh my god, jaem— what the—"

"okay, before you freak out even more," jaemin interrupts, opening the small box to show two identical rings. "i'm not proposing. not for real, anyway. this isn't how i would do it. i just... i want to, though. trust me, i've been wanting to ask you to marry me since forever ago, but now isn't the time. so i'm not going to. this is more like a pre-proposal, or— it's a _promise_. a promise that i will marry you when everything is better and _i'm_ better. when i know that i'm past the evil thoughts and the darkness and the sleepless nights blasting throwback emo songs that my brother used to listen to."

jaemin pauses, looks over at renjun and watching for his reaction. when all there's left is silence, jaemin continues. "this is a promise that there will be a proposal— a _proper_ proposal with a better ring and more extravagance than sitting in front of the river at 10pm, listening to cars and buses pass by. this is a promise that the when the time comes, i'll ask a better question than what i'm about to now."

renjun holds his breath, control over his tears long gone as he watches jaemin speak as they stare into each other's eyes. "o-okay. s-so what are you asking?"

there's a stillness in the air, fragile and delicate. there's a quiet, a momentary silence that's imperceptible in the grand scheme of things, but _too long_ for renjun in that moment. "renjun," jaemin begins to speak and renjun holds his breath again. "will you wait for me?"

he says yes in a heartbeat.

and every single feeling and emotion that has pent up until now spills into each other as their lips meet in a passionate dance that's uniquely jaemin and renjun, the taste of chapstick reminding renjun of their teenage years— when they would tangle under the covers, lips locked like they were made to be slotted together. they kiss until they're breathless, until their lips are swollen and almost bruised. when renjun pulls away, jaemin chases his lips with soft pecks that make renjun smile.

"clingy baby." renjun whispers against jaemin's lips.

" _your_ clingy baby."

 _my clingy baby_ , he thinks in his head as he pulls jaemin in for another kiss.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

> talk to me on [twt](http://twitter.com/princejaehyvn) or [cc](http://curiouscat.me/jactheangstqueen)


End file.
